


Rule 34

by MittenWraith



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Castiel Watches Porn, Crack, Fluff, Humor, M/M, The Princess Bride References, implied kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 03:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7997449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MittenWraith/pseuds/MittenWraith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was no getting around it. This was rapidly becoming the most awkward conversation Dean’s ever had, and he blamed the entire thing on the Princess Bride.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rule 34

**Author's Note:**

> This story came about because of a conversation I had ages ago with [Shellie](http://meangreenlimabean.tumblr.com) that devolved into us naming pornos after Princess Bride quotes. Yes, these are the sorts of highbrow intellectual conversations we have sometimes. :D
> 
> It was also my entry into the [destieldrabblesdaily](http://destieldrabblesdaily.tumblr.com) 30k fic contest. Congrats to all the winners, but YAY! I can finally post this now. Hope y'all enjoy it. :)
> 
> It's not completely canon compliant since it relies on Cas's continuing ignorance of pop culture, but ehhhh, close enough. :D

There was no getting around it. This was rapidly becoming the most awkward conversation Dean’s ever had, and he blamed the entire thing on the Princess Bride.

Or really, it was that damn flirty waiter’s fault.

Well, Dean supposes he could’ve been a little more clear when he’d explained that reference to Cas, but how the hell was he supposed to know there were _that many_ different porn versions of one of the most innocent movies ever made? I mean, who even thought this shit up?

“Dude, that’s Rule 34 of the internet,” Sam gasped out between bouts of hysterical laughter when Dean finally put it all together. “And probably rule number _one_ if you let him search for it on your laptop.”

Meanwhile Cas was trying to decide if it would be prudent to run away and never return, or if he could get away with merely hiding in one of the farthest reaches of the bunker for a few days until the whole thing blew over, and then hope nobody ever mentioned it again.

It had all started the day before, driving back from a hunt. Cas, in trying to expand his appreciation for human food, had asked the waiter at the diner they’d stopped at for lunch what he’d recommend.

The dude replied, in a pretty good impersonation of Inigo Montoya, “Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.”

And then Dean had to go and chuckle at the reference.

It’s not like Sam didn’t contribute, though. He could’ve let the whole thing drop, but he’d seen the confused little head tilt that Cas gave Dean when he’d laughed. Once the waiter finished _summing up_ and they’d all placed their orders, Sam had to start a goddamned Princess Bride quote-a-thon.

_My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die._

That’s how it started. Cas looking around the diner, confused, wondering who Sam was talking to; wondering if a battle to the death was about to break out.

Dean had to go and laugh at that, too. At Cas’s reaction. That set Sam off, and they spent the next ten minutes trading quotes back and forth without letting Cas in on the joke.

_You mock my pain._

_Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something._

_I’m on the brute squad…_

_You *are* the brute squad._

_Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line._

_Mawwage. Mawwage is wot bwings us togever today._

_I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?_

_That is the sound of ultimate suffering._

_You were mostly dead all day._

_I’m not left handed._

_I’m not left handed either._

_INCONCEIVABLE!_

_HUMPERDINK HUMPERDINK HUMPERDINK!_

They only stopped when their grinning waiter brought their food. Dean asked him for a bottle of ketchup for his fries, and the guy brought it back a moment later with a wink and an _as you wish_. Sam nearly snorted salad out his nose and Dean turned as red as the ketchup and tried to smile back at the dude who was obviously flirting with him now. Dean then shot a rather panic-filled and agitated-- and possibly even a little bit sad-- glance at Cas.

The previously flirtatious waiter caught it and self-consciously replied, “Oh! Oh, sorry. I’ll… um… if you need anything else... “ and then bustled off to the kitchen at a brisk pace.

And Cas still sat there, profoundly perplexed.

Dean was beyond ready to shut it down by that point, and figured the fastest way he could put the awkward behind him was to explain it as quickly as he could and then use the burger in front of him as an excuse to halt all conversation for a while.

“It’s from a movie, Cas,” Dean said gruffly, devoting all his attention to shaking the ketchup bottle violently over his fries. “It’s just a movie.”

“I see,” Cas replied, watching Dean proceed to eat without another word.

Sam had finally resumed breathing normally. He gave Cas an apologetic little smile and raised an eyebrow in Dean’s direction. Sam’s intent was to convey _I think Dean’s had enough teasing for now so we’ll drop the subject_. Cas, unfortunately, interpreted it as  _this is one of those things Dean doesn’t talk about_. In most circumstances it would've been an appropriate interpretation.

When they got back to the bunker a couple hours later, Sam and Dean went off to their rooms to unpack and relax after the long drive, but Cas hadn’t been able to stop thinking about all those references. And he hadn’t been blind to the waiter using those same references to flirt with Dean. Even though Dean had clearly been uncomfortable with the flirting, he had been actively discussing the film… whatever it was… with Sam for quite a while before that point. It had been like they were speaking in code, though. Maybe he was merely uninterested in the man who had been trying to flirt with him? Cas could understand Sam's suggestion that they drop the subject in that case. Dean had been uncharacteristically less flirtatious lately. Maybe… if it were _someone else_ doing the flirting?

It definitely required further investigation, and some serious consideration. Cas picked up Dean’s laptop from the table in the library before heading to his own room. He wanted to understand all the references before he formulated a plan of action, and in the interim he didn’t want to make Dean any more uncomfortable than he already had.

Cas didn’t know the title of the film, but the sheer number of quotes that had been bandied about in such a short period of time gave him quite a bit of material to work with. One of them would surely lead to something helpful on the internet. Sam and Dean both had been teaching him to navigate the various search programs they used for hunting, but Cas wasn’t sure which one would be the best resource for investigating _films_ as opposed to _monsters_. Luckily for him, Dean had an icon on his home screen labeled “Flicks,” and Cas knew that’s one word Dean used to refer to movies in the past. He gave it a click.

A blank page with a search bar appeared on the screen, so he entered the first quote he could recall-- _Have fun storming the castle_ \-- and pressed enter.

What he got was definitely _not_ what he was expecting. The movie began playing, full screen and at top volume. He frantically turned it down low enough that he hoped he wouldn’t be overheard and watched the entire ten minute film, which consisted entirely of a man lying in bed, unmoving, while a woman dressed as a princess performed a variety of sex acts while the man muttered _gently! Gently!_

There wasn’t much in the way of dialogue, and the film didn’t begin to scratch the surface of all the lines Sam and Dean had quoted. If this was the film they’d been referring to, perhaps there were sequels for him to investigate, as well.

Castiel discovered that there weren’t sequels, per se, but there were a seemingly endless collection of other films whose only possible connection to one another were the lines of dialogue that Cas had now committed forever to his memory. They’d been seared in through hours of trying to understand what made these references seem like acceptable material for that waiter’s flirting.

He’d been avoiding searching for the man’s line that had caused such a strong reaction in Dean, _As you wish_ , but after watching film after film late into the night, Cas finally relented and typed it in. He couldn’t understand what Dean had found so mortifying about it.

Sure, Cas had watched some incredibly bizarre things that evening. There was that one film about the six fingered man he sort of wished he could forget. The one about not being left handed was quite compelling, so much so that he’d watched it several times. It began with two men engaged in a sword fight, during which Cas caught several other lines that Sam and Dean had quoted. Cas had initially been picturing himself and Dean in the roles of the duelists, but his breathing hitched and his heart pounded when the men began slicing off each other’s clothing. He’d sat and stared at the screen for several minutes once the film had ended, feeling a mixture of anxiety and euphoria over the erotic scene that continued to play out in his own mind-- not between the two strangers on screen.

The film titled “As you wish,” though-- compared to many of the others it was sweet. Romantic, even. Maybe that was why Dean had ended the conversation so abruptly? He’d never known Dean to be shy about things of a sexual nature, but love? That was something Dean never talked about, if he could help it. This gave Cas a lot to think about, and he finally shut the laptop and drifted off to sleep just before dawn.

The next day was when everything fell apart. Cas had been hoping to return Dean’s laptop before he ever realized it had been gone, but he’d overslept. When he finally made it out to the kitchen, Sam and Dean were already seated at the table eating breakfast.

“Hey, Cas, did you borrow my laptop yesterday?” Dean asked between bites of cereal, as Cas wandered over to the coffee maker and tried to act like everything was normal.

“Uh, yes,” he replied, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “I hope that’s okay. I meant to return it last night but I fell asleep.”

“It’s okay. You searching for another case already?”

“No.” Cas kept his back turned to Dean. “I was looking up something of a… personal nature.”

There was a pause, and then Sam snorted. When Cas turned around, Dean had a strange little grin on his face and was studying Cas intently.

“A personal nature, eh?”

“Don’t antagonize him, Dean,” Sam said.

Dean’s grin grew wider, but he sighed and let it drop. Cas was about to sit back down at the table when Dean suddenly held out his cup and asked if Cas minded refilling it while he was standing up. Cas stiffened for a moment, wondering if this was the perfect opportunity. He decided it was worth a risk.

“As you wish,” he said, taking Dean’s cup.

“Oh my god,” Sam said.

The grin on Dean’s face drooped for a moment, and Cas thought he’d made a serious misstep. Little did he know how wrong-- and also how sort-of right he was.

“Uh, Cas? Did your _personal research_ happen to include watching The Princess Bride?” Sam asked, while Dean sat there rigid, with nearly the same panicked-hopeful-sad look he’d given Cas in the diner the day before.

Cas stared quizzically at Sam, trying to recall. “I don’t believe that was one of the titles I watched, no. Why? Is that important?”

Dean made a funny choking noise.

Sam explained, “Well, that’s the film we were quoting yesterday, and you just quoted it to Dean. A rather revealing line, too.”

“Many of the films I watched could be considered rather revealing.”

Dean choked again, and it was Sam’s turn to look confused.

“Films? Plural? What the hell did you watch, then?”

Cas stood there and fidgeted with Dean’s empty coffee mug before answering. “I was under the impression that we weren’t supposed to talk about these things.”

“Fuck me sideways,” Dean said, dropping his forehead to the table and taking a few deep, reassuring breaths.

“I believe that was featured in several of the films, yes,” Cas replied.

And that’s when Sam nearly laughed himself to death.

When everyone was (mostly) recovered, Dean dragged Cas back to his room to watch the _actual_ Princess Bride. They sat together on Cas’s bed, huddled close together to see it on the small laptop screen.

“That was a wonderful movie,” Cas said when it ended. “Can we watch it again?”

Dean got that look again. He didn’t say anything for several seconds, and Cas was about to let it go. Dean looked him right in the eye and said, “As you wish,” and started it up again.

_Ah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that._

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [the tumblies](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com) for more ~soft wackadoo crack~
> 
> and other stuff, i mean sometimes i write serious meta too :P


End file.
